I have just finished a book called “Scary Close” by one of my favourite authors – Don Miller. It is about relationships – just just romantic ones but general human relationships.
Good book. Not my favourite of his, (that’d be “Searching for God Knows What”) but good nonetheless.
Anyway, there is one thing that he said that just will not go away and so I thought that I would float it in your direction and see if you feel the same. It was about forgiveness. I was almost just a side comment but I thought it was really profound.
He said that saying “sorry” is not the same as asking forgiveness. I had never thought of this before, but it is not just semantics. His point is that saying sorry means that you are maintaining control. It is a statement of fact. “I am sorry”. “I wish that I had not done this” etc. But asking forgiveness is actually handing the power to the other person. “Will you forgive me?”. You have to humble yourself and give them all the power thus being at their mercy.
There is something really powerful in this. Forgiveness is a big, big issue. Allowing ourselves to be caught up in refusing to forgive others (whether they ask it or not) will tie us in knots and eat away at us. Equally, not humbling ourselves and asking for forgiveness will leave us tied up in guilt and shame.
Note the common thread there – we end up tied up. Not them!
A crucial part of being a community who understand our identity; who practice vulnerability; who model integrity; who are committed to fidelity is that we forgive and ask forgiveness routinely as a daily part of out lives. The Christian buzz-phrase is “keeping short accounts”.
So, each day, ask these questions:
- Is there anyone I feel wronged by (deliberately or accidentally) whom I need to forgive today?
- Is there anyone I have wronged (deliberate;y or accidentally) from whom I need to ask forgiveness?
Obviously, having asked these questions, you will need to act on them.
See how you get on after a week or so.
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