Almost nine years ago I was diagnosed with “moderate to severe” depression.

(That is some pinpoint, detailed diagnosing there! You wouldn’t hear anyone say, “I have a moderate-to-severe leg injury”!)

I digress.

Anyway. I had depression. How could I have depression? I am a pastor. I am a follower of Jesus. The Holy Spirit lives in me and I am one of his favourites, so how on earth could I end up with a mental illness? That just cannot be right.

To be honest, I had suspected for a while as I was just not coping. I would bite the boys’ heads off for the most minor thing and I was struggling to get through most meetings. I was scared to open emails because everything felt as though people were getting at me and I just could not cope. Once, at the Vineyard Pastors’ conference, I hid, fully clothed, under the duvet in my hotel room, because I could not face people.

If I am honest, a diagnosis was a relief. At least it was something tangible and not just me being unreasonable.

But still. Christians should not suffer from mental illness, surely.

Pastors should doubly not.

I did not want to try medication so I cut down my workload, did a load of exercise and did all the things that you are meant to do, but it did not really work. I tried counselling, but I am a terrible counsellee (is that a word?) and I suspect that my counsellor may have needed counselling by the time it was over.

After six months, I went back to the doctor and had to concede on the pills. The first ones I tried made me really anxious and sent my heart-rate right up, which I was fairly sure was not an improvement. The second ones were much better and seemed to work.

I have been on them for 8 1/2 years now.

I have tried to come off them a couple of times but it was clear that I was not ready. Ask the boys if you do not believe me. Also, watching your wife die of cancer does not improve your mental state, either.

So here I am. Barring something amazing happening, I suspect that I shall be on the pills for the rest of my life in order to maintain myself as the bright, cheery, sunshiney person that you see before you each week.

I hate taking pills.

I hate being dependant on medication.

I hate suffering from mental illness. It feels as though I have failed in some way.

“I was crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure, and I thought I would never live through it.”

When we read Paul’s words (above) in 2 Corinthians 1:8, we put on our “holy” filter and assume that it must have been some kind of persecution or spiritual attack, because there is no way that Paul was suffering from depression. Tom Wright (in a recent interview about his latest book,  “Paul: A Biography” on Nomad Podcasts) pointed out that Paul was clearly suffering from extreme mental illness to the point that he did not even want to go on. If someone came to you in your housegroup and said, “I feel crushed and overwhelmed beyond my ability to endure and I do not think I can live through it,” I doubt that your response would be, “praise the Lord!” (if is is, we need to talk.)

 

Statistics

Apparently, in the UK 1 in 4 adults experiences mental health issues.

I cannot help noticing that in our church, I just keep hearing about people suffering from anxiety or depression or other mental health issues.

I would bet that in SVC, it is closer to 1 in 2 adults.

Its okay.

Having a mental illness is not failure.

It is not weakness.

It is not that you have done something wrong.

It is not that you are a bad Christian.

It is not that you are being punished.

Honesty

Never, ever, ever pretend that it is all okay.

We do not do shiny, happy Christianity in SVC. We do honest, raw, broken, real Christianity. The kind like Paul models above.

We do not pretend it is all okay, when it is not.

Ever.

No one in this church expects anyone else to be perfect.

No one will look down on anyone or think less of them for imperfections.

We can be honest with each other.

We can pray for each other. Maybe we will be healed, maybe not.

We can stand with each other and continue to speak blessing and truth over each other, even when we, ourselves, are broken.

So here we are, a bunch of broken people, trying desperately to serve Jesus with all our heart, to raise our children to love him and to be a light to those around us even when it sometimes feels as though we are surrounded by darkness.

 

If you, like me, suffer from depression, or anxiety, or paranoia, or any number of conditions…

If you, like me, sometimes to not want to get out of bed…

If you, like me, sometimes feel as though you do not want to face other Christians…

If you, like me, sometimes want to hide away under the duvet…

If you like me, have to take so many pills every day that you sometimes feel as though you are rattling…

…then stand with me, and let us rattle together.